Hello,
The issue you are dealing with is fascinating, delicate, and very sensitive.
Your decision to adopt a halachic lifestyle in order to build a strong family connection touches on two different—though not contradictory—perspectives.
The first perspective—the religious one—is probably lacking real significance. Observing a religious lifestyle without it stemming from a commitment to serving God is not inherently meaningful. The blessing recited over mitzvot expresses this idea, as it always begins with: “Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who sanctified us with His commandments…”—meaning, mitzvot are meaningful only when they come from recognizing God as the foundation of our lives.
This is how the Ten Commandments are structured: first, the source of authority—“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage”—and only afterward come the commandments themselves. This is also how the Shema is structured: first, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might,” and only afterward, “And it shall be, if you heed My commandments that I command you today…” Our sages emphasized this principle:
“Rabbi Yehoshua ben Korcha said: Why does Shema precede ‘And it shall be if you heed’? So that one first accepts upon himself the yoke of the kingdom of Heaven, and only afterward accepts the yoke of mitzvot” (Mishnah Berachot).
However, we also find another principle:
“Rav Yehuda said in the name of Rav: A person should always engage in Torah and mitzvot even if not for their own sake, for from doing them not for their own sake, one comes to do them for their own sake.”
Thus, if there is a religious path ahead, where you might genuinely return to Torah observance, then even if, at first, you are keeping mitzvot for other reasons, this could still hold value. This depends on you and your vision for your future. Based on what you have written, such a possibility exists, and therefore, your actions may also have religious significance.
At the same time, there is another dimension—the relationship dimension. Your willingness to live according to his religious lifestyle holds deep meaning in the realm of interpersonal relationships, especially in a partnership. Even if these actions do not have deep religious meaning in terms of bein adam la’Makom (between a person and God), they play a crucial role in bein adam la’chaveiro (interpersonally). Moreover, our sages emphasized the immense importance of maintaining peace in the home.
However, when discussing the lofty language of relationships, real challenges arise. Your partner’s understandable desire is that you should not observe these mitzvot just for him in an external way, but rather that you should be fully engaged in them yourself. This is a common relationship issue, even beyond religious matters. Often, even when one partner is willing to make significant sacrifices for the other, this does not resolve underlying tensions, because the person on the receiving end does not want their partner to sacrifice something for them—they want them to be truly invested in it. And this, of course, is not always possible.
You both must resolve this tension together—not based on ideological assumptions about whether partners can influence each other, but by honestly listening to each other and assessing whether you can build a shared life in this way.
Your willingness to accommodate his lifestyle can meet his desire to be with you, even without knowing how your religious beliefs may develop in the future. However, this is ultimately a decision for the two of you to make together.
All the best,
Yuval Cherlow
Rabbi Cherlow is the Head of the Ethics Department at the Tzohar Rabbinical Organization.
For Additional Reading:
- Honoring Parents and Involving a Fiancé
- My Wife Wants to Recycle, and I Think It’s Unnecessary—Who’s Right?
This question was originally published on the Kipa website.
