Hello,
The response to this important and sensitive question cannot be embodied in a yes or no answer. It has many different factors. Some are case-based: how much is the parent’s need vital? How difficult is it for the children to live nearby? What is their relationship? Are there other brothers or sisters? Etc. All of these definitely impact the application of the halachic foundations to this issue.
Therefore, one must first understand this in light of the principles, and afterwards assess the application of the answer in each case independently:
- “Yours comes before all others”: in contrast with the accepted opinion viewing honoring one’s parents as the primary principle in this issue, the Mishnah in the second chapter of Bava Metzia teaches that “[one who finds] their lost object and their father’s lost object – their lost object takes priority”, and the gemara learns this foundation from here. Regarding the essence of this law we have written a number of articles on Tzohar Ethics, in light of the teachings of Rabbi Shimon Shkop zt”l, and if you wish you can read an example here.
- On this foundation lies the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents, which requires man to leave his personal circle, expand it, and commit to greater obligations of honoring parents, which is one of the greatest and most important mitzvot in the Torah. However, the child has a right to live his life and this topic has come up in various contexts of halacha.
- Therefore, if the child needs to live far away and the parents do not require assistance, there is no genuine obligation to consider all possibilities in the future, ask their permission, or anything of the sort. It is a matter of piety to do so, especially if the issue is not critically important to the children. However, when dealing with parents who very much need this care and they cannot live without their children beside them – of course the obligation based on honoring one’s parents becomes much more prominent.
All the best,
Rabbi Yuval Cherlow
Head of the Tzohar Ethics Center
For Additional Reading: