Hello,
I understand from reading between the lines, that there is a complex family issue here.
Therefore, it is important to note that what I am writing pertains only to the halachic/legal aspect of the matter, but for the specific case, a deeper conversation is necessary.
According to Jewish law, honoring one’s parents should be funded by the parents themselves. Therefore, the expenses fall on the parents, and if they are capable, they are obligated to pay for the costs associated with honoring them.
If they do not have the means, Jewish law explicitly states:
“One who feeds and gives drink to his parents does so from the parents’ resources if they have the means. If the father does not have resources but the son does, the son is compelled to sustain his father according to his ability” (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah 240:5).
The Shulchan Aruch emphasizes that there is a limit to the financial obligation imposed on children when their parents lack resources:
“If the son does not have the means, he is not obligated to beg door to door for food to feed his father” (ibid.).
Moreover, the Rema (Rabbi Moshe Isserles) writes that even if the son has resources and does not need to beg door to door, some opinions state that he is only obligated to support his parents up to the amount he would be required to give to charity.
Does this mean that one can use charity funds for this purpose even if the children have money? The Rema continues with a severe statement:
“Nevertheless, if one is financially able, a curse will come upon one who supports his father with charity funds.”
Therefore, if the parents are unable to provide for themselves and the children are not wealthy—having spouses, children, and their own living expenses—then they may use charity funds for this purpose. However, if the children are financially well-off, they should not do so.
It also seems to me that even when using charity funds, since this act still holds great value, “Do not ignore your own flesh” (Isaiah 58:7), it would be appropriate to allocate a portion of their charity funds to actual charity and not completely exempt themselves from this responsibility.
All the best,
Yuval Cherlow
Rabbi Cherlow is the Head of the Ethics Department at the Tzohar Rabbinical Organization.
For Additional Reading:
- How to Respond to an Outburst from Someone Who May Be Suffering from Trauma
- Is There a Commandment to Honor an Abusive Parent?
