How to Ask Forgiveness from the Deceased and What Can Be Done to Ease the Soul?

Question:

Dear Rabbi, Hello, I would like to ask about the matter of asking forgiveness from the deceased. My husband’s father passed away about a month ago after being ill, and I feel deeply troubled that I did not visit him more often. I recall that the last time I saw him, I was speaking to someone else for a moment, and by the time I turned back to him, he had already fallen asleep, and I did not get a chance to speak with him. Additionally, at one point over the past year when I visited him, he did not engage with me much. At the time, I assumed it was because he was very weak, but after his passing, I wondered if he may have been upset with me. Overall, our relationship was fine—we were not in conflict. At the funeral, I asked for his forgiveness. Does the Rabbi think there is anything else I need to do to properly ask for forgiveness?

Hello and blessings,

I completely understand your feelings.

When there has been a significant offense, the Shulchan Aruch states that one should go to the grave with a group of ten people and ask for forgiveness.

However, in cases where the relationship was not perfect but there was no serious wrongdoing, it seems that the best approach is to do something positive in his memory. One meaningful way to honor him could be, for example, to commit to always answering calls promptly or to engage in some other action that strengthens good relationships between people. In this way, from the weight of your feelings, something good can emerge—one that increases love and connection among people in his memory, thereby fostering goodness.

Would you be able to take this approach?

All the best,
Yuval Cherlow
Rabbi Cherlow is the Head of the Ethics Department at the Tzohar Rabbinical Organization

For Additional Reading: