Hello and blessings,
Kudos to you for raising this important question.
The starting point is, of course, that our parents do not have control over our opinions, just as we as parents do not have control over our children’s opinions. The mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother does not include an obligation to adopt their views or to nullify one’s own identity in their presence. A child’s personal identity and opinions are fundamental assets, and they are not obligated to accept their parents’ viewpoints.
It would be worthwhile to read the article I wrote on this topic in general: “The Dignity of a Child in the Mitzvah of Honoring Parents: Is a Child Obligated to Obey Their Parents?” within the collection Love of Humanity and Human Dignity: A Collection of Articles and Thoughts.
However, the mitzvah of honoring parents does require specific ways of expressing oneself. First and foremost, a child does not criticize their parents. They do not harm them, nor do they confront them harshly about their perceived misbehavior. This is not included in the right to follow one’s own path. Furthermore, if this occurs in a public setting where the child’s words and stance humiliate and hurt the parents, it is forbidden to say such things.
Beyond the halachic aspect, one should always remember the partial perspective through which each of us sees “the truth,” especially when dealing with generational gaps between children and parents. It is essential to cultivate humility and to recall the many teachings found in both the Bible and rabbinic literature about the wisdom of elders and the differences in perspective between the young and the old. While the elder is not always right, the very fact that they have a broader perspective should lead the child to approach their own positions with humility and caution—lest they, themselves, be mistaken, acting with overconfidence and arrogance.
Following these principles allows one to be true to themselves while simultaneously fulfilling the mitzvah of honoring parents in the most appropriate way.
All the best, and once again, well done.
Yuval Cherlow
Rabbi Cherlow is the Head of the Ethics Department at the Tzohar Rabbinical Organization.
For additional reading:
• Is there a mitzvah to honor an abusive parent?
• Is one obligated to live near their parents?
