“וְעָשִׂיתָ הַיָּשָׁר וְהַטּוֹב בְּעֵינֵי ה’” (Devarim 6:18)
In every domain of human behavior, there is a general obligation and a mitzvah to act in a moral fashion. This mitzvah, explained by the Ramban in his commentary on the Torah as general mitzvah and a “great matter”, is an expression of the moral voice that arises from the Written and Oral Torah, from the expressed mitzvot of the Ten Commandments to the famous words of Hillel the Elder: “That which is hated unto you, do not do to your friend – this is the entire Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it” 1.[1].
Delineating the proper path is an especially difficult challenge when dealing with emotional and spiritual issues, touching upon the core of a person’s existence. The process of dating for marriage is one of the most delicate domains, to the degree that the Sages say, “it is as difficult to make matches as to split the Red Sea” and determined that this is the primary “occupation” of God since the creation of the world concluded 2.[2].
The search for a partner is a complex and painstaking journey of self-discovery, with the goal of finding a couple that betters each other and actualizes the teaching “it is not good for man to be alone”.
Because of the sensitivity of the process, one should be especially careful to act with integrity and goodheartedly. The process does not only involve the couple – around them are the people who set them up as well as parents, friends, previous partners, rabbis, educators, matchmakers, etc. We are dealing with an overarching network of ties where each participant contributes in their way, and because of this one is expected to do so properly and with integrity.
Therefore, remaining steadfast to ethical aspects of establishing a Jewish home is of utmost importance: on the one hand it is commitment to the mitzvot of the Torah and the image of God within us, and on the other hand it is good advice on the practical plane; ethical flaws sow seeds of poison, and experience teaches that injustices will be revealed and cause harm and pain. Therefore, one should direct the stage of dating according to principles of morality that emerge from halacha and build an honest, good, and true relationship.
The compilation before you deals with halachic, moral, and human aspects of laying the foundations for establishing a Jewish family. Even though it is not a specific primer for preparing for dates, it also integrates words of wisdom for furthering the relationship. This compilation was written with great sensitivity, with a recognition of the depth of the questions and the uniqueness of each person. Each word is written with serious gravity in order to improve and not to cause harm. This guide is not intended as specific instructions for any specific case, but rather as general boundaries that each person must implement and tailor to their individual case and conditions.
Our deep thanks go to the broader circle of participants involved in making this compilation – from the couples who shared their many deliberations with us to those who engage in relationships and matchmaking professionally, who read the draft of this compilation and whose notes are engrained within the compilation before you. Special thanks go to Mrs. Shirat Malach, advisor and guidance counselor to those seeking a relationship, for writing the chapter “Thoughts and Practical Advice for Cancelling Engagements” attached to the chapter dealing with the topic, including a practical perspective on various aspects of engagement cancellation. Her advice is based on her vast experience.
We thank everyone who enabled the existence of the Tzohar Center for Jewish Ethics, through which this compilation was drafted. The Ethics Center is a core branch of Tzohar Rabbinical Organization dealing with promotion of moral behavior in many domains. However, it is natural that Tzohar, as an organization renowned for creating the “Wedding Project” that has helped tens of thousands of couples marry with dignity and in accordance with halacha would be a most fitting home for this project to flourish.
May it be the will of God that He fulfills the wishes of those who seek relationships for good, and they should merit to establish a Jewish home with joy and good-heartedness, in a just manner which binds souls together and is aimed at establishing a true covenant.
Rabbi Yuval Cherlow
Head of the Tzohar Center for Jewish Ethcis – Tzohar Rabbinical Organization
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