The choice of Rivka Imenu, aleha hashalom, as a partner for Yitzchak stresses the great significance of lovingkindness, openness, readiness to work, overcoming the feeling of being taken advantage of, and the ability to act differently than what society around you believes. A righteous woman the son of a wicked man. The Parsha expresses what is truly important as a foundation for married life, and the positive traits that can build a home amongst Israel.
We are not perfect. All of us. Everyone has flaws. Everyone has things that they would prefer to conceal. Halacha and Mussar prohibit invading one’s privacy: “a slanderer goes about revealing secrets”, and exposing things that are kept under wraps. All of this is very true, until we reach the point of dating and shidduchim. There – the obligation to reveal is very significant. A great crisis can be created when a partner exposes something crucial that was hidden from the other. The crisis is two-fold – both due to the concealed topic in situations where it is a foundational issue, as well as the very concealment itself, which creates a severe breach of trust. Not only this, but in rare circumstances this could be regarded as invalidating the engagement, for the connection was founded on the basis of false information. And above all – this is an immoral act.
However, a statement such as this can be very destructive for the majority of us. There is concern that perhaps prior disclosure of information will totally prevent the ability to form a meaningful relationship. For example, those who have been hospitalized in the past, whether for physical or psychiatric purposes, could very well be constantly in the situation where others remark “why would a healthy mind enter the bed of a sick person?”; when dealing with someone who carries the burden of a traumatic event with them, or crimes that they have done in the past, etc. – are they damned to never enter a partnership? Are they stuck at an impasse? Is it permissible for matchmakers to hide this in order to create an initial spark?
These are very profound halachic and ethical questions. From amongst all the responses to this crisis, it seems to me that the one which claims that there is a basic dynamic of dating that allows the ability to open up in order to create a relationship while on the other hand not concealing and hiding information. Generally during the first dates, each person presents the best side of themselves and what they view dear, what they are searching for, and what are their areas of interest. Each of the parties is aware of this, and therefore – one is not obligated to share everything immediately. However, in quite a short amount of time (perhaps the third date?) comes the stage of dating where it is advisable to have a deeper meeting where the barriers are removed, and each person speaks about their weaknesses, flaws, and shortcomings. This is the place where we open up. The openness comes with the knowledge that, as stated, we are not perfect, and it is safe to assume that the other person isn’t either; that we don’t know in the slightest what will happen in the future, and therefore there is room for two on this journey, even if they carry hardship with them, etc.
Through this path, we act with integrity and proper conduct. We don’t unnecessarily drag out a relationship; we don’t conceal; we learn that both of the partners need to be made whole. And this is how we build a relationship that has the ability to make the mutual covenant of “and he shall cling to his wife”.
You might also be interested in:
- The Obligation of Revealing Flaws Before the Wedding
- Is It Permissible to Keep Secrets Before the Wedding?