Chapter One: Approaching Dating

Article Summary

Chapter One from Tzohar Shidduchim Booklet

וַיֹּאמֶר הָאָדָם זֹאת הַפַּעַם עֶצֶם מֵעֲצָמַי וּבָשָׂר מִבְּשָׂרִי לְזֹאת יִקָּרֵא אִשָּׁה כִּי מֵאִישׁ לֻקֳחָה זֹּאת”” (Bereishit 2:23)

Man was created whole – and afterwards split into two. Dating is a journey to return and connect, to search for one’s lost piece, for completion. This is a deep, essential connection that seeks to return us to “one flesh”. Maybe because of this, the stages of dating involve many questions, perplexities, and thoughts – and it is important to provide halachic and ethical guidance and accompaniment as well. In this chapter we will relate to difficult decisions and moral issues that follow the couple throughout the beginnings of their search, well before the first date.

The Ideal Age

The question of the proper age to get married is of course a multifaceted one, including an ethical deliberation at two ends: on the one hand – is there an age that is too young, before one’s identity is formulated, where they should not be able to make a decision so life-changing?

On the other hand – a person who is at an age where it is accepted in society to get married, however he feels that he or she is not ready and worries about assuming responsibility for such an important act as the covenant of marriage – is it proper on his end to push off dating?

Our baseline assumption is that there is no one age that is right for everyone – not for the time to start searching nor for marriage. One cannot determine a uniform format that will work for everyone. Thus, halacha does not have specific parameters for this, and even the authorities who did determine an age ¹ understood that one should defer it in a reality where the potential couple are overburdened by learning Torah or a profession ².

How to Choose a Partner

This secret wasn’t given over to human beings, and one of the wisest people to live already said regarding this: “Three things are beyond me; Four I cannot fathom… how a man has finds his way with a maiden” (Mishlei 30:18-19). The words of the midrash state that since the creation of the world – God is sitting and matchmaking couples ³, This Heavenly focus only increases the recognition that this is truly one of reality’s wonders.

Here we can only provide two pieces of advice that are in fact one.

First – each person has a manner in which they make important decisions.

There are those who rely primarily on their intellect and tend to search for more and more data before making a decision. In contrast, there are people who rely primarily on their emotions and make a decision favoring the option that they feel most sure about, even if it is difficult to explain. A good piece of advice is to try and remember how we have made important decisions in the past (for example: university, profession, etc.). Was my tendency to make decisions based on knowledge, or on emotion? Knowing ourselves will help us make a decision and be complete with it even in this domain.

The primary approach is to word the foundational question as such: With whom do I want to go on a journey into the unknown of life? Do I trust them, feel a sense of partnership, a shared destination, etc.? One cannot predict even a small portion of what married life has in store for them, and therefore there is penultimate importance in basic trust that each one of you will be there for the other.

The second piece of advice is the words of Rivka’s family, “From God did this matter come” (Bereishit 24:50), which act as a summary of the shidduch process. The Sages said: “forty days before the fetus is created, a voice emerges from heaven and says: the daughter of this man [will be destined] for this man” ⁴. After we have done everything in our power with appropriate effort, even if there are still deliberations and doubts – it is best to turn in prayer to the Master of the World, who will guide our path when attempting to build a Jewish home.

Who Should I Date?

Regarding the great issue of initial compatibility between partners, our primary advice is not to act according to predetermined societal guidelines. Marriage is a covenant between individuals and not between frameworks. One should approach it with a desiring soul, an open heart, honesty, and integrity.

Naturally, providing an organized doctrine for the question of “who should I date” has no place in this guide, which deals with the ethical issues connected to these discussions.

Listening to Parents Regarding Choosing a Partner

When parents express their opinions regarding the relationship of their son or daughter to their partner, alongside the familial and personal issues at play, this awakens ethical and halachic questions regarding to what extent there is an obligation to listen to or accept their advice. This question arises both when the parents express their opposition to the budding relationship, or when they apply pressure to continue a relationship that is not satisfactory for their children.

Halacha explicitly states that there is no obligation to listen to one’s parents regarding shidduchim, unless there is direct and extreme harm to them, and this component is not part of the mitzvah of honoring them ⁵. Because of this, they have not been given the right to veto, and there is no obligation to listen to them.

However, generally parents want the best for their children. Not only this, but they know their children, and they have much life experience. If they oppose the shidduch, it is possible that there is an external voice of someone who knows the dating candidate well and is providing good advice. It is thus advisable to listen well to the opinions of one’s parents and see their advice as good, even if there is no obligation to follow it.

A Ba’al Teshuva or One Who Is Becoming More Religious

There is an unfortunate yet understandable tendency to judge people according to their past actions, even if they have changed their ways.

Our advice is not to follow this path for two reasons.

The first is the moral perspective. The authorities emphasize the obligation to accept true repentance of others and included within this the words of the Sages regarding verbal abuse (ona’at devarim): “if he was a ba’al teshuva, he should not say to him ‘remember your previous actions’” ⁶. The second reason is that this bias has been shown on more than one occasion to be a grave mistake – ba’alei teshuva have proven that they have the ability to change and fix their past, and it is not a disgrace for them but a lofty and praiseworthy level, for could he not have remained in the situation he was raised in, and despite this he chose a holy life? And “the place that ba’alei teshuva stand – the completely righteous cannot” ⁷. Therefore, the proper method is to meet with a desiring heart and proper spirit, without making prior assumptions about the person ⁸.

Is There a Reason to Abstain from Dating a Divorcee?

There are those who are concerned about dating one who is divorced for various reasons, such as: perhaps the divorce is evidence of a flaw in the person; concern for entering into a relationship with someone who has more “experience”. There are a variety of additional reasons, some rational ⁹ and some not.

These concerns are not intended to be simply entertained, rather to be tackled. Of course, there is room to examine matters that we would not necessarily check in a relationship with a single person, however divorced people are certainly not unmarriable, and at times the situation is quite the opposite – specifically due to their experience and the lessons that they learned from the previous marriage can provide benefit and add to a building a home. One should find a way to speak about their previous relationship, about the causes for its dissolution and what can be learned from it ¹⁰. If an open, honest, and deep relationship is formed – it is possible to take advantage of the difficulties of the past to grow and build foundations for a strong household.

“Clarifications” Regarding One’s Partner

Before or during the dating process, we try to assess the core aspects in matters that are beyond the date and conversation: through details about their family, personality, actions, and even their appearance and externalities. This stage is important and necessary; however a number of ethical issues arise which one must be aware of ¹¹.

Lashon Hara

In most other contexts, it is prohibited for two people to speak about the character of a third person. However in this particular context, it is permissible and even necessary, of course within reason.

We have dedicated an entire chapter to this important topic ¹², and we will bring here in brief three important points relating to clarifications before dating:

The very act of discussing others, even if it does not cause harm – is prohibited ¹³. However, telling the truth about others is permissible when it is done for a reason, and clarification for the sake of dating is included in this permit.
There are a number of restrictions and emphases for this permit, primarily ¹⁴: the intentions of both the one asking and responding are only for the benefit of a deep analysis of planning the relationship; one should inform the person that they are discussing the matter with that they are discussing it for the sake of entertaining the possibility of marriage; the permit is only for necessary matters and for confirmed facts, and the one recounting must ensure precision and differentiation between fact and interpretation; one should only clarify from a reliable and just source, and avoid clarifying from a place where there is a chance that the information will be wrong or distorted; one must ensure that they do not cause collateral damage during the conversations around the clarification.
The prohibition exists even if it is stated offhandedly or indirectly, and even if it is not objectively degrading, but in the current context it has a degrading component ¹⁵.

How Much Should One Clarify?

To what extent is it morally proper to clarify beforehand regarding one’s intended partner? Should one try and clarify as much as possible or rely on the direct confrontation and the conversations that arise in it?

For this issue, there are no halachic restrictions.

From a moral perspective: on the one hand, there is a benefit to dating without clarifying beforehand, since both people approach it in a more open fashion, for we cannot know from the onset who is the proper partner and who our hearts will choose. On the other hand, engaging in many “pointless” dates has a price, for many dates can wear a person down, and it is difficult to open up each time anew. There are also ethical aspects to this, for it is not moral to perform futile ‘experiments’ on other people, and one is obligated to consider the feelings of the other person. Experience teaches us that the balance between these points differs from person to person, and in general the candidate learns if they prefer a more extensive clarification process that lessens that number of inappropriate dates, or less clarification that provides opportunities for candidates that ‘on paper’ are less of a match. Sometimes it takes time for a person to learn which path is right for him, and therefore we propose candidates begin by verifying basic information, with emphasis on points important to them, and with time understand which type of clarification they are searching for ¹⁶.

With Whom Should I Clarify Information?

How much should one broaden the circle of clarification? Is there a reason not to clarify about a person in their second or third sphere of acquaintances? From the perspective of hilchot lashon hara, there is no limitation on clarifying with numerous sources. At times, it is best to hear from people who know the candidate from various circles, such as verifying both with a friend and a rabbi or rebbetzin who knows the candidate personally. If it is possible, it is best to ask for advice from someone who knows both sides, and then one can rely on just the question of “do they seem like a good fit for what I am looking for?” thus limiting the descent into personal details at the clarification stage.

When questions arise regarding one’s medical or psychological condition, it is proper to go together to the care provider and hear their recommendation.

Genetic Screening

Performing a genetic screening test before marriage can prevent much suffering, pain, and sorrow in the future.

If it is known that one of the candidates may carry a gene for an inherited genetic disorder, the need for genetic compatibility is understandable, and the question is only when to bring up the issue between the candidates. From the onset, it is appropriate to inform them of the need before the date and do the screening beforehand. However, out of concern that there are candidates who would be dissuaded by this, one can wait until the connection is deeper, and only then bring up the topic ¹⁷.

Even when no genetic condition is known, it is recommended that one performs genetic compatibility screening before solidifying the relationship. The recommended tests are found in the list of the Ministry of Health and the Medication Basket ¹⁸.

Familial Status

If one of the sides was previously married, they should inform the other about it already in the clarification stage. Even if there were no children from that relationship and even if they believe that it has no effect on their current situation.

Disorders and Concealed Symptoms

When one of the sides has a diagnosed illness that is not visible to the eye or even an asymptomatic blemish which could express itself in their children, our recommendation is to tell the entire truth with full disclosure ¹⁹. It is best to tell them about it at an early stage, however if there is concern that the revelation will deter them, also here one may wait to tell them until the beginning of the stage where the relationship is deepening ²⁰.

Types of Relationships

Aside from the classical dating system, where couples meet one on one, there are a variety of possibilities to expand the methods of meeting. It is possible to divide these possibilities into dates that enable a relatively deepening connection between candidates (like singles’ weekend retreats) and dates that provide a short meeting, and later on offering the participants to further the connection (like speed dating), None of these dating options are good or bad, and it is ultimately dependent on personal preference. By the way, we will remark that there are those who invest a lot of hope in communication methods such as these, primarily as ‘shortcuts’. However, one should know that in general we are not dealing with mechanisms that enable genuine connection between partners, rather ‘getting things moving’, and true recognition comes afterwards.

Next Chapter >>
Tzohar Shidduchim – To the main page and table of contents >>

Notes - הערות שוליים

Such as what arises from the words of the Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 1:3: “It is a mitzvah for every man to marry a woman at 18 years old”.

The Rambam writes: “And from when is a man obligated in this mitzvah? From [16 or] 17 years old. And once they are 20 years old and have not married a woman, they violate and forsake a positive commandment” (Hilchot Ishut 15:2. See in the “Yalkut Shinuyei Nuschaot” printed at the back of the Frankel edition). There are those who tried to bring sources for his opinion, however they had great difficulty. It seems, according to the Tzitz Eliezer, that this matter is dependent on the time in which “it is typical for man to marry”, and these are his words (volume 4, article 16, chapter 1): “that the interpretation of ’18 years to the chuppah’ (Pirkei Avot 5:21) is because [that age] is typical for man to marry, and he is not dealing with the start of the obligation”. Attention is focused on men in this halacha, but the considerations are relevant for women as well. Rabbi Yaakov Ariel ruled similarly: “and one is thus forced to say that truly the mitzvah to be fruitful and multiply is not dependent on any set or known time… and therefore, if there is a justified reason, it is permissible to push off marriage and with it the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying to a later time” (Assia, volume 4, page 186, reprinted in the sefer “BaOhala Shel Torah”, volume 1article 67, page 330).
The words of the Rambam ibid. following: “And if he is engaging in Torah and preoccupied and is afraid to marry a woman so that he would not have to be burdened with [providing] food [to his family] and not focus on Torah – it is permissible to delay”. There are authorities of our generation who have expanded these words to all professional studies that promote world development. See for example the opinion of Rabbi Aharon Lichtenstein, “Family Planning and Contraception”, Shvut Leaflet for Yeshivat Har Etzion Alumni, volume 6 (5748), pages 19-33.

Rabbi Elchanon Wasserman (Kovetz He’arot, hosafot (article 81), subarticle 1) adds from the fact that the Rambam rejects this mitzvah for Torah learning, one should learn that “by delaying the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying there is no aspect of nullifying the mitzvah, rather delaying the time”.

On this subject see for example: the Chidah in the Birkei Yosef (Even HaEzer article 1:7), who writes briefly that “in these generations, nature has weakened and the generations have changed”, and refers to “Our Rabbi Yonah Chassid in his testaments”. His intention is the testimony of Rabbeinu Yona Landesdorfer (article 23) who writes regarding 18 years to marriage: “if the proper woman becomes available to him, he is permitted to wait longer than this, and all the more if his soul pines for Torah”. See more in the Yam Shel Shlomo, Yevamot, chapter 6, article 40 (saying that one should not be forced with corporal punishment nowadays “for the dowry has increased due to the hardships of exile and sustenance”). So too the opinion of Rabbi Shmuel Halevi Wosner in the Shevet Halevi Responsa, volume 8, article 264 (“… after [age] 20, that it is a mitzvah to be expeditious with mitzvot that apply to him already, and quickly find the proper woman for him. And regarding delaying some time there is no punishment, since he is engaging in the mitzvah of finding [a woman]”).
Bereishit Rabba 68:4
Sotah 2a (and more). See the discussion of the gemara there. Even according to the opinion of the one who holds there “we only set a man up with a woman according to his actions”, their partnership still comes from God.
The wording of the Rema in Hilchot Kibbud Av Ve’Em (Yoreh Deah 240:25) “if the father forbids his son from marrying whichever woman the son desires, he does not need to listen to his father”. The source of the Rema’s opinion is the responsa of Mahari Kolon, article 166, see his words at length. This is also written by many halachic authorities. The foundation of the halacha is in the words of Tosafot (Kiddushin 32a, ד”ה רבי יהודה), that listening to one’s parents is only for things that provide benefit to the parents, and not when there is a loss to the son. This is also the conclusion of the Chazon Ish (Yoreh Deah, article 149:8), and the Tzitz Eliezer writes this as well, volume 15, article 34, see his opinion. This is also the conclusion of Rabbi Ovadiah Yosef in the Yabia Omer Responsa (volume 8, Yoreh Deah, article 22) and from his words in his conclusion: “it is appropriate to provide advice to a daughter that won’t listen to her father, but seek for her a comfortable [option] that provides the best for her, and so too if the daughter wishes to marry a worthy man that she desires, and the father commands her not to marry him – she does not need to listen to him, and there is no aspect of the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents here”.

Regarding causing direct harm to them, see the opinion of the Netziv in the Meishiv Davar (volume 2, article 50), and his opinion on the aforementioned Rema: “this is only in a manner in which the woman he desires does not cause shame and suffering to the father. But if there is shame – he is prohibited from marrying her”. See there, where he discusses when this crosses into “cursed is the one who curses his mother and father”.
Mishnah, Bava Metzia 4:10; Shulchan Aruch, Choshen Mishpat 228:4. And amongst the authorities, for example: regarding accepting the repentance of a Kohen who wishes to duchan, the Or HaZarua, volume 2, article 412 brings this down. Regarding the same matter Rabbeinu Gershom’s responsa Meor HaGolah, article 4: “if he was a ba’al teshuva, he should not say to him ‘remember your previous actions [that you have since forsaken]’. And if you tell him do not duchan or read the Torah first, there is no greater injustice than this. And furthermore, you end up weakening the status of ba’alei teshuva…”. The Rema’s responsa, article 37 at the end, uses this sentence regarding accepting one’s repentance. The Ktav Sofer Responsa, Orach Chaim, article 109, discusses a person who converted out of Judaism and repented, of whom the people did not wish to accept into a study group, and he learns from these words of the Sages how much the congregation must accept the repentance of others, analyze his sharp language at the end of his responsum.
Berachot 30b; Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 7:4. Regarding one whose parents repented, it is important to say that the halachic authorities nowadays write that we do not concern ourselves with ‘a child born of niddah’. This is in line with the opinions of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (Igrot Moshe, Even HaEzer, volume 4, article 23:3, primarily because she bathed in the sea, she retroactively has fulfilled her duties in this matter) and Rabbi Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky (brought in its entirety in the Mishneh Halachot Responsa, volume 7, article 212. In his words he demonstrates how all of Israel nowadays are ‘children born out of niddah’. See there the words of the Rabbi Yosef Karo in the responsum before this).
This article does not relate to a person who sinned in the past severely by harming others or their money. In these situations one should ensure that there is no concern for harm, and pay attention to ‘red flags’, see for example, chapter 2, article 10.
In this context one should discuss the opinion of the Sages: “a divorced man who marries a divorced woman – there are four opinions in bed” (Pesachim 112a). This is not enough to prohibit marriage with a divorced man or woman (see for example the LeHorot Natan Responsa, volume 2, article 88:1), rather a general statement regarding the relationships of the past that we carry with us.
While abstaining from lashon hara, as will be explained later on.
We continue to remind you that in these articles the approach is towards the couple themselves alone. Later on we will bring up the approach for appropriate and permissible clarifications by others.
The second half of the fourth chapter.
Ibid. article 3.
All appear ibid., article 6
Ibid. article 4.
We will remark that for people who are confronted with challenges or for whom the dating process is taking a long time, it is accepted to recommend a more flexible approach – in other words, to focus less on strict criteria and overly specific clarification, and provide a broader space for getting to know one another, assessing compatibility of values, and building a meaningful personal connection.
Aside from this case, there are a few other cases where we have indicated there is an obligation to tell the whole truth, however one is not always obligated to do so before the first date, rather one may do this after the relationship has begun to deepen and hearts are open. At this stage, the one that must reveal this feels more comfortable and knows that they see the person alone and not their blemish. The person who is listening can get a bigger picture and allow the now revealed blemish to take its proper place in the microcosm.

It is difficult to provide a precise measurement of the right time, however one should be careful not to push it off for too long. In general and on average, we are dealing with approximately the fourth or fifth date, however as we have stated there is no precise time for this.
The specifics differ according to the demographics of the patients and are updated from time to time. The Ministry of Health’s list can be found at the link: https://www.health.gov.il/Subjects/Genetics/checks/Pages/GeneticTestingRecommendations.aspx.
The very need to tell the other about one’s condition seems obvious to us. As is written in the Sefer Chassidim, article 507: “man should not hide a blemish from his household, if his children or relatives need to find partners, if they have a disease that if those who marry them would have known they would not have married them, [then] they should reveal this to them, lest they say it was a betrothal under false pretenses”.
See earlier in footnote 19.