Chapter 5: Ending a Shidduch

Rebbe Yochanan said: it is as difficult to pair couples together as the splitting of the Red Sea, as is stated, “God settles individuals in homes, removes prisoners from bondage” (Sotah 2a).

The relationship journey can be complex and windy, up until the moment when the couple feels a deep and close sense of belonging. It is not for nothing that it is stated that “it is as difficult to pair couples together as the splitting of the Red Sea”. At times, specifically out of respect for the relationship that has been cultivated, it becomes clear that the most appropriate, painful thing to do is to stop – and recognize that this is not the right person for me.

Nowadays, the term “erusin” (engagement) differs from its meaning in primary halacha and now is primarily a declaration of future intent to get married. Nevertheless, the relationship created at this stage is one of deep moral and emotional significance. The decision to cancel an engagement is sensitive and complex in all aspects. This chapter deals with moral and halachic questions that arise regarding ending the relationship, approaching the justified reasons for cancellation, our moral obligation to the other person, and practical issues such as returning gifts and repaying expenses.

1. What is the Status of Our Erusin?

According to biblical halacha, a single man and woman who wish to get married to each other begin their relationship with kiddushin (betrothal) which reaches its conclusion with nisuin (marriage):

The first stage is called Kiddushin or Erusin. At this point the groom provides the bride with ‘a pruta’s worth’ [= an item of minimal value at least] and says ‘you are hereby betrothed to me’ in front of valid witnesses. Before giving over this object, we make the Kiddushin blessing (which ends with ‘He who sanctifies His nation Israel through the chuppah and kiddushin). After the act of Kiddushin the Erusin covenant is established between the groom and bride, the woman is “forbidden to the rest of the world” and cannot marry another unless she receives a divorce document. However, the couple still may not live together.

The second stage is called Nisuin – the betrothed couple enter the chuppah before the congregation and the seven blessings are made for them. At the end of this stage the couple begin their collective lives, and become of one flesh.

Formerly in Israel these were two different states that were conducted separately, with a significant amount of time between them, at times a year or more, where both of them had the time to prepare themselves for their lives together. The woman would live in her parent’s house, adorning and beautifying herself in preparation for the wedding, buying dresses and receiving blessings from others. The groom would work in order to provide a basis to support his family after the marriage. However, in the time of the Rishonim, for various reasons, primarily not to render the woman an agunah (a chained bride), it became customary to arrange both of the stages together under the chuppah ¹.

It arises that in the past the bride and groom entered their new home after a period where they already had a halachic relationship. In order to provide a similar relationship between partners before marriage nowadays, the custom where the couple and their families declare their intentions to marry was born. First, this even was called shidduchim ², however later on it began to be called Erusin as well, despite not fitting the original halachic act of Erusin.

2. Drafting a Marriage Contract (Shtar Shidduchim / Shtar Tenaim)

Nowadays, this event is accepted in society, but its character has changed. In the Chareidi communities it is called a ‘vort’, and at times involves a financial agreement between parents. In the rest of society this is generally called Erusin and is primarily the couple (and families’) declaration of the intent to enter the covenant of marriage ³.

In the past it was accepted for couples to get married very young, and the parents would care for their sustenance at the first stage of married life. The agreement to get married and the financial terms and conditions between families were generally concretized in a written contract. This contract already existed in the times of the Gemara and was referred to as a ‘shtar psikta’ ⁴, and in the Rishonim as a ‘shtar shidduchin’ or ‘shtar tenaim’ ⁵[5]. This document appears often amongst the authorities in discussions surrounding the methods of acquisition that place it in effect and their validity ⁶[6]. In the time of the Achronim they became accustomed to signing a document such as this throughout the majority of Jewish communities ⁷[7].

In the Religious Zionist community, it is not generally accepted to sign a shtar tenaim, and the minority who do so – do so close to the chuppah. Even in places where it is signed a long time before the chuppah – it is accepted to sign a general, uniform contract without delineating the amounts or commitments between the two sides ⁸[8].

3. Does Our Erusin Have Halachic Significance?

As stated, our shidduchim, whichare referred to as Erusin as well do not involve a halachic action, and represent no decision or agreement of future marriage.

In a place where it is customary to sign a shtar tenai shidduchin and commit using a legal form of acquisition (kinyan) – the monetary conditions written in the document are contractually obligated, and in the case of violation of the condition one should perform a legal acquisition for the cancellation itself ⁹[9].

However nowadays, in the majority of places they are accustomed not to sign a shtar tenaim, our Erusin (‘vort’) has no ‘legal acquisition’, signature, or monetary commitment. However, it does have aspects of oral commitment and agreement, which can only be violated in very limited circumstances. In addition, when cancelling an engagement is not done by agreement of both parties, perhaps this also has an aspect of geneivat da’at and ona’at devarim, as we will expand on later.

We will note that the very declaration of a man and woman that they have decided to get married – is not a frivolous matter. The relationship between them is special and delicate, aside from the holy potential within it, and the divine voice has already declared “the daughter of this person to that person”. It is possible that halacha even recognizes the “serious relationship” between the couple members, encouraging them to solidify it and enter the covenant of marriage ¹⁰[10].

4. When is it Appropriate to Break Off an Engagement?

The decision to break off an engagement is sensitive and complex. The Sages relate to divorce with sadness, saying that “even the temple altar spills tears over them” ¹¹[11]. Despite this, the Torah permits the act of divorce ¹²[12], and therefore it is clear that even the cancellation of an engagement is not invalid, if there is a valid reason.

The general principle is that one should not hurry to dismantle an engagement. On the one hand, it is natural that after making an important decision that impacts the rest of one’s life, such as the decision of engagement, there will be misgivings, crises, concerns, and even anxiety. Therefore, concerns alone are generally not a reason to dissolve a relationship. On the other hand, in the case of a significant reason to place the relationship in doubt, as we will delineate onwards, one should not abstain from ending the relationship. They should not be dissuaded by the difficulties of breaking it off and should not be concerned about society or their family ¹³[13].

We will bring here some examples of common reasons, which from our perspective justify cancelling an engagement:

• Severe Disability – if one of the betrothed suffers from a condition or a disability (physical or psychological), at times this is a valid reason to break off an engagement. Whether the blemish was undisclosed at the beginning of the relationship and it was revealed to them after the engagement (which qualifies as a ‘sale under false pretenses’); whether the blemish was known, but the ‘healthy’ side did not understand the ramifications of the issue and only fully understood after the agreement to get married, now understanding that they will have to support the one they have made a covenant with for the rest of their lives – in this case one should consider heavily whether it is advisable to get married ¹⁴[14]. We will emphasize that when there are known disabilities, people with disabilities are not, chas veshalom, ‘unwedable’, as we have explained above ¹⁵[15].
• Violence and Harmful Behavior – we are aware nowadays more than ever of the destruction and severe harm of domestic abuse, and its damaging potential to marital and family life. At times it is enough to even threaten violence in order to negate one’s partner’s freedom. The discovery of violent tendencies at the Erusin stage, explicit or implicit, can act as a ‘red flag’ for what is to come, and it is best to clarify the matter well, even to the point of cancelling the engagement.
• Violation of One’s Commitments – aside from the very declaration of marriage, there are mutual commitments between man and woman that accompany the engagement process, such as monetary obligations, the commitment to act a certain way, etc. In the past these commitments were the basis of the shidduch, and their violation was a cause for nullification ¹⁶[16].

Nowadays these commitments are generally not the basis for declaration of engagement, rather an accompanying factor. Despite this, the violation of commitments can be a cause for reconsideration of the engagement.

We will remark that for second marriages or marriages at a later stage of life, at times there is even greater importance for these commitments.

Violating commitments is not only monetary but includes loss of trust due to concealment of information and lack of transparency. The decision to get married is based on trust between the couple members, and when a severe infraction in this field is exposed – this can be a cause for its cancellation.

• Change in the Underlying Circumstances – the essence of the relationship of marriage is that the couple forges a covenant to stand together throughout all circumstances that will occur in life. However, if an essential shift in the situation occurs prior to the marriage – the couple are still not obliged to each other in a formal or halachic way.

When there is a change in circumstances that impacts one’s life, such as a partner that must leave the country for work or is injured – there is room to consider whether the relationship, which is still not officially obligatory, is enough to bring the couple to change for a family that is just now coming together.

• Non-negotiable Divide – even after a declaration of engagement, the new situation can reveal details that they did not know about their partner. At times there are issues in one’s religious lifestyle, behavior, everyday life, financial disagreements, etc. So too here, like in past examples, one should act with seriousness, consideration, and differentiate between the important and the extraneous. Know this: the engagement period is a sensitive time and at times very tense, and it is difficult to make decisions during it. Therefore, it is best in these cases to consider the divides very carefully, and in general it is recommended to consult an external support system.

5. Moral Obligations When Cancelling an Engagement

• Engagement is a mutual promise of a couple to one another. One who violates their promises
• commitments is referred to by the Sages: “one who negotiates verbally, it is appropriate for him to stand by his word… and anyone who reneges… he is lacking faith, and the spirit of the Sages does not find comfort in him” ¹⁷[17]. This expression is the most lenient and is stated when the sides only agreed verbally on something. However, if they performed an action, like signing terms of agreement, even one that does not have halachic significance for acquisition – the matter is more severe, and of him it is stated: “He who meted out punishment from the generation of the flood and the Tower of Babbel will mete out punishment to one who does not keep his word” ¹⁸[18]. Granted that these words were stated regarding business, but they are true for anyone who doesn’t keep their word ¹⁹[19].
• When negotiating, the authorities differ regarding how much a change in circumstances can exempt one from “He who meted out punishment” ²⁰[20], and similarly we will state here – this does not mean that in every case one must maintain the engagement, rather that one should consider the matter greatly, and God will see what lies in their heart.
• When ending the relationship is not mutual, one should be very careful not to violate the sins of geneivat da’at and ona’at devarim, of which we expanded at the beginning of chapter 4 ²¹[21].
• When breaking off an engagement, one should be especially careful not to violate the halachot of lashon hara. The news of an engagement makes its way around, and when there is a cancellation, the curious listeners will wonder the reason behind it. In the chapter, “The Halachot of Lashon Hara for Shidduchim” ²²[22] we brought the core principles of the prohibition of lashon hara, as well as halachic leniencies stated for the mitzvah of finding a partner. One should emphasize that in the case of cancellation of an engagement, one should not be lenient with the halachot of lashon hara, and should follow halacha strictly, for the dignity of the partner one is leaving and the dignity of the families.

6. Returning Gifts

During the engagement period, generally the couple, and even their families, provide gifts to one another. At times out of love, at times because it is the custom, and at times for both reasons.

In the past, these gifts were given between families, or between the groom and the bride’s family, called sivlonot, and it had official weight. The authorities discuss at length their status when cancelling an engagement, and the tendency of halacha is “that the entire sivlonot be returned”, because “the current assessment is that [the bride’s family] only sent it to him with the knowledge that he would enter the chuppah with her” ²³[23].

Nowadays, there are also gifts of the couple themselves, and they are not always given “with the knowledge that he would enter the chuppah with her”. For gifts like these, returning them can at times be emotional, and especially if the relationship was not ended mutually and there is a side that is deeply hurt.

When cancelling an engagement, chalilah, the best thing is to reach a general agreement between partners regarding whether the gifts will all be returned or not. It is also possible to appoint a close friend or relative for both sides that they both agree on and rely on their decision. In the case where it is difficult to reach a conclusion, in our opinion, the decision should be made in line with these parameters:

1. When the engagement is canceled because of objectively inappropriate behavior of one of the parties – the affected side is not obligated to return the gifts. These matters are stated even if the affected side cancelled the engagement, and if it was ended by the offender – even more so.
2. When the engagement is cancelled in a unilateral fashion for a personal reason – the cancelling side must return the personal gifts they received, while the affected side – does not.
3. When the engagement was cancelled mutually, it is best to reach a consensus regarding the gifts. The halachic baseline is that the gifts should be returned to the giver.
4. Mutual gifts between families – are customarily returned.
5. Gifts from friends or distant relatives generally do not carry an obligation to return.

7. Repaying Wedding Expenses

For this sensitive topic, it is very important to reach an agreement and for the couple and their families to be as inclusive as possible. Even here, if it is difficult to reach a consensus, the best thing to do is to find a person or organization close to both sides and rely on them to mediate and find the proper path, avoiding friction and conflict.

In the event that they cannot reach an agreement, the authorities have discussed this at length, and their tendency is to obligate the cancelling side in the wedding expenses that have already been paid ²⁴[24].

Therefore, when the cancellation is done unilaterally and for personal reasons, the cancelling side is obligated in all wedding expenses. If the cancellation was out of their control or for a justified reason – the authorities write that one should not obligate the cancelling side in the costs ²⁵[25], therefore in a case such as this, both sides should split the expenses that have been paid.

Because of the sensitivity of the topic, if both sides feel a need, we propose (as general advice alone) to sign a contract of mutual absolution, following the version in the footnote ²⁶.

8. Thoughts and Practical Advice for Cancelling an Engagement

Written by Shirat Malach, Advisor and Guidance Counselor for Those Seeking a Relationship

There are couples that at a certain point decide to break off the engagement. At times we are dealing with a unique or dramatic event that led to it, and at times we are dealing with a general feeling that something is not right – and simply does not fit.

In certain circumstances, the decision to get engaged was made after a period of deliberation, out of hope that with a public declaration – they would reach internal clarity. However not infrequently, specifically when the relationship becomes official and the expectation for certainty increases, these sensations that weren’t previously assuaged reawaken – and become more palpable. The heart is left in unrest. There are those who let the desire to be in a relationship, establish a home, and leave the dating world lead them through decisions that the soul opposes later on.

In other cases, the relationship process was natural and fluid. The decision to get engaged arose from a place of security, trust, and a deep, emotional connection. And despite this, with the beginning of preparations for the wedding, the increase in family involvement and the transition to a more intensive stage of the relationship – bring up new challenges. At times communication issues, differences in expectations, or the feeling that things must move at a different pace become apparent.

And sometimes, the reason for hesitation is rooted in a new revelation: a personal detail that was not disclosed, a psychological challenge or family complexity that did not present until now. Even if we are not dealing with a dramatic event, at times it is enough to feel a quiet and continuous incompatibility in order to awaken the need for a renewed assessment of the relationship.

When the Heart Deliberates – the Head Finds No Answer

At this stage many crucial questions can arise. Some appear quietly and subtly, and some are stressful and demanding. These are questions that one must give space – without being frightened of confronting them:

• Is it possible that I simply miss what I had before?
• Why does every conversation turn into a challenge or effort?
• Perhaps I am dealing with fear of commitment – and not true incompatibility?
• Are the disagreements between us truly that deep?
• What will others say if we decide to cancel the engagement?
• Perhaps I must simply overcome it and continue – there is no perfect relationship, right?

In certain cases, one side is the one who is full of doubt, and the other is left confused, hurt, or anxious. Sometimes both partners feel something isn’t right, yet neither of them are interested in being the one to say it out loud. The internal sensation that “this doesn’t feel right to me” can be interpreted by the other side as fear, as a lack of commitment – and even as a breach of trust. The dialogue becomes complicated, and sometimes even difficult to admit to oneself. Within all this complexity, there is also a social aspect: embarrassment from the environment, from family members. There is already a ring, date, family group – perhaps even a hall booked. It seems that everything is dependent on one question: is it truly the right thing to continue?

When doubts arise – here are some recommendations: Pay attention to signs of discomfort or prolonged feelings of incompatibility. Do not deny the doubts be honest and introspective. Early identification of disagreements or unresolved feelings is more important than continuing out of habit or societal pressure.

Here it is important to emphasize – social embarrassment is not a reason to continue an imperfect relationship. The questions that flood us are important in their own right, and one should analyze them honestly and openly. The engagement with “what will they say?” helps no one, and at times is even dangerous. The decision must be made through internal responsibility and not out of external pressure.

How do I know when to continue and when to stop?

There is no one equation and no single answer that fits all. Not every doubt is necessarily evidence that one should end the relationship, and sometimes it is proper to make an effort. On the other hand – at times hardships are truly a sign that one must break up. Marital life is complicated and includes periods of confusion and uncertainty. Specifically because of this, it is important to stop and think honestly:

• Which emotions am I feeling?
• What exactly is bothering me?
• What do I feel in my heart, and what do I think in my head?

In order to arrive at a thought-out, calculated, honest, and true conclusion – it is best not to be left with questions by oneself. This process is best done with accompaniment of an experience professional, or a experienced character who is well-thought, such as a rabbi, rabbanit, parents, or a person who knows them well and can discuss, balance, and direct – without pushing in a certain direction.

The decision in these matters cannot be made through stress. Not due to dates that are quickly approaching, and not out of fear that “perhaps this is my last chance”. A complete decision can flourish only when we give ourselves time, quiet, and support to clarify the truth of what is best for us.

The decision to break up – here are some recommendations: there is no defined “set of recommendations” – it is important to analyze each case separately. Don’t make the decision alone – share with your parents, a professional, or an experienced and wise personality that knows you and can help you make a fair decision. Act with contemplation, out of internal peace and not out of time pressure or external factors.

Couples who break off the engagement do not do so lightheartedly. Most of the time, we are dealing with a step that was deeply calculated, out of honest desire to understand the reality and be true to it. At times, the decision to end things – is that while enables the development of a truer and more precise relationship.

Breaking Up with a Complete Heart: Emotional Responsibility

Cancelling the engagement, even when it is done out of clear agreement, is almost always accompanied by a feeling of pain. We are not only dealing with a breakup from a partner but also breaking up with plans that began to form, with hope for the future, and with the united dream that began to take shape.

At this stage the deep and important question arises: how can one break up in a manner that preserve mutual dignity and allows for both sides to move on – without leaving behind anger, bitterness, or feelings of missed opportunities?

There are three components that can assist in breaking up amicably and in a healthy manner:

1. Acknowledgement of the Good

Even when the relationship and engagement have not matured to the point of marriage, in the majority of cases there have been impactful moments: emotional closeness, deep conversations, mutual learning processes. Sometimes you experienced together moments of alleviation, mutual joy, or support in times of struggle.

Acknowledging the good enables the focusing of perspective to what was – without hiding the pain, yet without coloring the past in a uniform palate of disappointment and frustration.

There is no need for grandstanding. Sometimes it is enough to speak simply and honestly, such as:

• “Thank you for the path that we have paved together. I learn from you and from myself much along the way”.
• “We had important moments together and I want to thank you for them”.

2. Taking Responsibility and Asking for Forgiveness

Even when there is a justified reason for breaking up, it is important to remember that the relationship was built together – with joint effort, good intentions, and at times even mistakes along the way. Therefore, both sides must take responsibility for what occurred in the process.

A conversation to end the relationship can – and even should – include a moment of honesty and sensitivity, where one of the sides (or both) takes responsibility, even partially. Sometimes we are dealing with a simple apology, which helps clear one’s heart and leave room for dignity:

• “If there were moments where I hurt you unintentionally – I am sorry”.
• “If I resonated disconnect, lack of attention, or insensitivity – it was not my intention and I take responsibility for it”.

We are not dealing with taking the blame, but a human recognition of relationships where no one is perfect. A display such as this expresses that one sees the other, and enables both parties to separate without carrying unnecessary anger or emotional sinkholes on their backs.

3. Wishes for the Future

The last stage – and sometimes the most difficult – is to separate with positive wishes. Not out of the formal obligation “because that’s what we do” and not only “to end on a good note” but out of understanding that genuine wishes for wellbeing allow true release. Simple sentences can carry with them deep significance:

• “I hope you find a person who will truly see you”.
• “I hope you merit to have a relationship with joy, depth, and tranquility”.

Wishes such as these do not remove the pain but give it a place without keeping it suppressed. It signals an end that has dignity and opens a new space for both parties – for growth, for wholeness, and perhaps for a future of a more compatible love.

The couple’s relationship, even if it does not lead to marriage, should end with dignity. Holding the pain without placing blame, understanding what was without negating it, to unpack it – without destroying it.

One who acts in this manner leaves space in their heart. In this place, with time, they can bring more precise, mature, and fitting love.

If a couple decides to break up – here are three central recommendations:

An honest expression of wellbeing opens the door to a new chapter and provides healing for the untimely conclusion.

1. Acknowledging the Good

• Express true thanks for the shared journey, even if it did not lead to marriage.

• It is important to remember the good times that were had and give them space.

2. Taking Responsibility and Asking for Forgiveness

• Look back with courage: even if you are breaking up, there is responsibility for what was had and what was said.
• State simple words of apology – without blame, in order to cleanse the heart.

State simple words of apology – without blame, in order to cleanse the heart.

3. Wishes for the Future

• End the relationship with a true wish for wellbeing, in order to enable emotional release for both parties.
• An honest expression of wellbeing opens the door to a new chapter and provides healing for the untimely conclusion.
  

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