Chapter 4: The Halachot of Integrity and Lashon Hara for Shidduchim

שְׂפַת אֱמֶת תִּכּוֹן לָעַד וְעַד אַרְגִּיעָה לְשׁוֹן שָׁקֶר”” (Mishlei 12:19)

“Truthful speech abides forever” – will build foundation and survive; “for but a moment” – for a brief moment, it is extinguished and departs, for falsehood has no legs [to stand on] (Rashi, ibid.).

This chapter deals with halachic topics and issues that arise from the relationship process and dating. Special importance should be attached to truth during the dating process, and it should act as the basis for our path of integrity and truth, that will build a foundation and further a true, stable relationship. Our discussion is split into two chapters: the first deals with the general obligation to act with integrity towards others and discusses prohibitions that one should avoid when providing information about oneself or others in the framework of clarifying relationship compatibility. The second chapter focuses on the halachot of lashon hara during the dating process.

Integrity in Shidduchim

The connection and establishment of a marriage covenant between man and woman has many aspects of significance and touches upon one of the most important decisions in life. There are many partners in the process of building a couple’s relationship: the couple to be, their families, the matchmakers, and friends. Despite the importance of this process, one should ensure that each stage is performed with truth and steadfastness, and that the final goal does not impact the integrity of the path taken.

From a halachic perspective, the prohibited and permissible speech during the relationship forming process, even though it engages in creating a deep covenant, can be compared in part to halachot stated regarding business and additional topics.

We will discuss matters regarding the couple themselves, matters between the couple and their friends and family, whether it is their profession or if we are dealing with a person who set his friends up for the first time.

The discussion regarding the permissible and prohibited questions to ask in these dates and around them is complicated, and at times a matter of disagreement. We will endeavor to practically rule for issues that arise from experience in these fields.

From many sources, it emerges that it is prohibited to deviate from the truth, especially when it can cause harm to others – whether from a halachic prohibition or from a moral blemish. So too one should know that the damage of concealment is greater than its benefit. We will bring here the primary sources for this:

1. False Representation – Geneivat Da’at

An honest relationship, with direct communication, is the basis of any human relationship. Therefore, the prohibition of geneivat da’at is a great principle for all manners of interpersonal communication, to the point where the Sages state: “there are seven thieves, the first of the thieves – he who falsely represents himself to others” ¹. The Rambam brings this prohibition in both Hilchot Deot (regarding character) and Hilchot Mechira (regarding commercial law) ². The Sages demonstrate this prohibition by comparing it to one who pretends like they are giving something precious to their friend but avoids doing so; so too regarding one who presents their merchandise as perfect, and it is not so. Other examples: “Man should not sell sandals made from a deceased animal under the guise of a slaughtered one”. These examples are brought by the Tur and the Shulchan Aruch ³.

Rabbeinu Yona writes in Shaarei Teshuva (Chapter 3, 184): “Our Sages, of blessed memory, stated: it is prohibited to falsely represent oneself to others. And behold, this sin is more serious amongst Jewish sages than theft… and we have been made obligated [to stay within] the boundaries of truth for it is one of the foundations of the soul”.

While dating, aside from the general guidance from the prohibition of geneivat da’at, the example of the seller presenting his merchandise as more valuable than it is in truth becomes even more prominent. From the example of the Gemara and authorities regarding the sandal sale, this matter was stated not only regarding explicit deception using false statements, but also deception by concealing the truth ⁴.

2. Verbal Abuse – Ona’ah

The word ona’ah in halacha is not identical to its modern Hebrew counterpart (fraud), and its interpretation in halacha is causing suffering to a person. This prohibition is divided into monetary damage (ona’at mamon) and harm to a person’s psyche using speech alone (ona’at devarim) ⁵.

Ona’at mamon includes both deception regarding the worth of the merchandise one sells to his friend ⁶, and it is possible to compare this halacha to deception or concealment during shidduchim ⁷.

However, our primary focus is on ona’at devarim. This is a biblical prohibition that is learned from the verse “man should not defraud his friend” (Vayikra 25:17) and the Sages say regarding this: “Ona’at devarim is greater [in severity] than ona’at mamon” ⁸.

The Sages provided an example for this: “If he was a ba’al teshuva, one should not say to him: remember your past actions” ⁹.

As we endeavor to implement this for dating, one should pay attention to the fact that they may violate

this prohibition with any statement that could hurt the other person. Even the matchmaker can stumble with a statement that has potential to hurt. The example brought for this prohibition saying “remember your past actions” illustrates the complexity of the conversation: are not all clarifications regarding a potential date a reminder of their past actions?

3. “Distancing Yourself from Falsehood”

The distancing from falsehood is one of the most fundamental values in Judaism. The signature of God is truth, and truth is the foundation on which the world was built ¹⁰. Therefore, any God-fearing person is commanded to distance themselves from falsehood ¹¹. Even in the world of shidduchim, one should ensure that they only tell the truth and distance themselves from that which is false. We will demonstrate this with two important points ¹²:

1. It is prohibited to lie even if it will not cause harm ¹³. Thus, in conversation with future partners one should not say things that aren’t true, even if they are harmless.

Even the matchmaker must be careful to distance themselves from falsehood, even if the matter is only designed to bring the two together, etc., and even if their assessment is that it will not cause any damage.

• Omission can also be considered a matter of falsehood. This is what the Rishonim learn from the words of the Gemara regarding one who is quiet while an injustice is done: “from where do we know that a student who sits before their rabbi and sees [him wrongfully] render judgement towards the poor and against the rich, from where should he not be silent? The verse teaches us: ‘distance yourself from falsehood’ ¹⁴. Therefore, concealing the truth, both by the couple and the matchmaker – can violate “distance yourself from falsehood”.

4. “Before a Blind Man Do Not Place a Stumbling Block”

The prohibition “before a blind man do not place a stumbling block” (Vayikra 19:14) was expanded by the Sages to include anything that deceives others and said: “Before a blind person [means blind] in a [specific] matter… if he would take advice from you, do not give advice that does not suit him” ¹⁵.

Thus, one who deceives their friend can violate the prohibition of “before a blind man”.

 The matter stated that primarily apply for matchmakers and anyone who is assisting a couple is not to give advice to someone that does not suit them. The expression “fitting advice” is not objective, and one must carefully consider what advice is “suitable” for each person.

The Halachot of Lashon Hara for Shidduchim

In order to avoid the prohibition of lashon hara during dates, when verifying a potential candidate, or in conversations regarding shidduchim, we must first understand the principles of the halachot of lashon hara.

Elsewhere we have expanded on the very importance of abstaining from lashon hara and its basis in halacha ¹⁶. It is enough for us to mention the words of the Rambam: “The Sages say: three sins are repaid from man in this world, and he has no portion in the World to Come: idol worship, forbidden sexual relationships, and murder, and lashon hara is akin to all of them…” ¹⁷. Therefore, we will only bring a short summary of the principles of halachot and their ramifications on shidduch matters.

1. What is Lashon Hara?

The authorities list four types of speech considered lashon hara ¹⁸:

1. Rechilut (gossip) – one who publicly disseminates rumors regarding his friend.
2. Lashon Hara – “One who recounts the ridicule of their friend, even if he is telling the truth” ¹⁹.
3. Motzi Shem Ra – One who tells lies about his friend.
4. ‘Dust’ of Lashon Hara – any statement that leads to ridicule of a friend, even indirectly.

Regarding shidduchim: rechilut is one of the greatest concerns of a matchmaker’s work, and they should exercise caution not to distribute rumors regarding candidates.

The second category is the more challenging of the topic, for we do not wish to conceal from our partner the truth they deserve, including matters that would be considered degrading. Therefore, we will further elucidate cases where it is permissible for a person to recount negatives of his friend, foremost the permit “to clarify for a purpose” (in the words of the Chafetz Chaim ²⁰.

However, even then, both sides should be careful to cling to truth, so that they do not lead to spreading a bad reputation.

2. Matters That Are Not Derogatory

In our essay there we brought that the authorities disagree whether the prohibition includes matters that are not derogatory. The Chafetz Chaim was lenient regarding this and writes in his introduction to the halachot of rechilut that the prohibition is only when by speaking one cause “the entrance of hatred into the heart [of the listener] regarding the person [in question]”. Of those who are stringent we bring Rabbi Shlomo Gantzfried, who writes in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (30:1) that gossip is “even if it is truth, and even if it is not derogatory”.

From this disagreement we can see that it is possible to add to the lenient opinion the fact that we are not dealing with a general conversation, but a conversation intended for a shidduch, and relying on the opinion of the Chafetz Chaim to expand the permit to speak of his friend for a purpose.

3. The Prohibition is Also When Not Causing Damage

The Chafetz Chaim writes (3:6): “and know, that even if no bad comes upon the man by telling lashon hara [about him], such as if the listeners did not accept the statement, despite this is considered lashon hara and requires atonement. And beyond this, even if he initially estimated that no bad would come to the subject from his story, even so it is prohibited for him to speak of his detriments”.

Therefore, as long as the person recounting a story about another has no valid reason, the prohibition stands, even if according to the assessment of the recounter his words will not cause harm.

4. Everything Depends on the Individual

The Chafetz Chaim writes (5:6): “And know another simple principle in the halachot of lashon hara, which depends on who is telling the lashon hara. There are things that if they were told regarding one person it would be praise, and regarding another it is ridicule”.

Thus, for example, if we recount a story about a person who works out a lot, this can be considered praise in certain contexts, however it would be considered ridicule if for example we were dealing with a yeshiva bachur, and it hints that he does not spend all his time learning or is not learning properly.

5. The Prohibition to Tell A Single Individual

There is no permit to tell lashon hara ‘secretly’ or to tell it to a single person and tell them not to tell anyone. Therefore, even in personal conversations between potential couple members one should be careful not to do so ²¹.

6. The Permit “For a Purpose”

As we have explained above, lashon hara of the second type is permitted for a valid purpose of the listener. A primary example of this is clarifications of shidduchim ²².

This is stated both for professional matchmakers and those who are dealing with the situation of a family member or friend.

When dealing with vital information for the sake of marriage – it is permissible, and perhaps even an obligation, to share this with someone who it could relate to.

However, even when these words are said for a purpose, there are a number of restrictions:

1. The intent of the asker and responder are for the sake of heaven and for the purpose of the shidduch.
2. Informing the person one is speaking to that we are dealing with a permissible context: “one must inform the one whom they are asking that they are clarifying for a valid purpose. [This is] so that they do not lead to his violation of lashon hara” (ibid.) ²³
3. The permit is dependent on the extent, and one must ensure they are precise: “but one must be very careful that when they are saying this for a purpose, they should not overexaggerate the matter of disgrace” (ibid.). Included within this is the differentiation between facts and interpretation.
4. One should abstain from receiving information from a place where there is a chance the information is incorrect or distorted: “one must be very careful not to seek [information] about a person’s essence and matters with someone of whom one believes hates [the individual being spoken about]” (ibid. in the footnote).
5. One should avoid collateral damage: one should not ridicule a friend, even for a valid purpose, if the same person could be hurt in another category. For example, one should not recount for the sake of marriage a story regarding a person who does not keep his word, if the candidate could lose money from this ²⁴.

7. “Worry in a Person’s Heart – He Should Discuss It”

In an essay on lashon hara between man and wife ²⁵, we discuss at length the conditions of lashon hara in a conversation held to decompress worries of the heart of the recounter and the need for strengthening the relationship between a man and his wife.

It is possible that a few of the matters we have written regarding personal conversations held between man and woman checking their future compatibility for the sake of establishing a Jewish home. And regarding the restrictions we detail there, it is possible that this has place for the couple in the advanced stage of building a relationship. However, so too here, one should stick to the point, be precise, and have a positive outlook.

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