Chapter 3: For Professional and Amateur Matchmakers

Rabbi Yehuda Bar Simon opened: “God settles individuals in homes”.

Matruna asked Rebbe Yossi Bar Chalafta. She said to him: “In how many days did God create His world?” He told her: “six days, as is written ‘for in six days did God make the heavens and the earth’”. She said to him: “What has He been doing from that moment until now?” He said to her: “the Holy One Blessed Be He is sitting and pairing couples together, the daughter of this man to that man”.

(Bereishit Rabba 68:4).

It is a great merit to be a partner in establishing a Jewish home, redeeming the lonely from their suffering and to add to the Jewish future. God is already “sitting and pairing couples together”, and it is a tremendous act of kindness to be involved in this. Alongside this, both professional matchmakers and those setting up their friends must act according to halachic principles of integrity, avoiding geneivat da’at, and being very careful that their strong desire for completing the process does not lead to blindness or concealment of the truth.

1. Telling the Truth

Regarding the importance of telling the truth during the clarification process, we have discussed at length in the halachic chapter “Integrity in Shidduchim”. We will emphasize here that one should not present a false character before the date, and should tell the truth regarding details such as the age of the candidate, etc. Telling half-truths at this stage is prohibited and can oftentimes cause suffering in the future.

• Lashon Hara

The importance of the prohibition and its details has been brought up in the second half of the fourth chapter. We will bring here in brief a number of aspects of these halachot during the shidduch process, all brought there at length:

1. One should not ‘catalogue’ a person and make assumptions regarding their whole personality based on one character trait.
2. One should be careful not to spread rumors about a shidduch candidate.
3. Even matters that do not cause harm are permissible to tell only for the benefit of the shidduch and not as gossip.
4. The prohibition of lashon hara is also by recounting matters indirectly or through hints, and even if one tells it to one person alone.
5. During the clarification process, one should ensure that they tell the person that what they are telling them is for the sake of the shidduch’s success.
6. One should ensure that they are differentiating between information and interpretation, and between information from a primary source and that which is indefinite.
7. To Offer the Man or Woman First?

There is consensus amongst certain populations that one should first offer the shidduch to the man, and only if he accepts – offer to the woman. The reason for consensus is that in the event of a refusal, we socially expect the man to respond to a negative answer better than a woman. However, even though this reason for consensus comes from a desire to support the woman, at times it specifically harms her, primarily in the long term. There are candidates who report feeling that they are not receiving offers for a long time. This causes a feeling of rejection and a suspicion that there is no one who cares for them. Clarification shows that the matter does not originate from a circle of friends and relatives who are not caring for them, but that the offers do not reach them, being rejected at the first stage.

An additional issue with this consensus is that it can create a reality where men feel that they have many offers, therefore they can “choose”, while women following this method will receive less offers, therefore forcing them to agree to offers that they may have deliberated about in a different reality.

The solution to this situation is not to offer first to the woman, but to make decisions based on the case. If we are dealing with a young woman that does not suffer from a lack of offers and can feel uncomfortable from a situation of rejection – the general consensus of offering to the man first is very much appropriate. However, in the situation where we estimate that a woman is more concerned about her state of lack of offers than the feeling of rejection – there is no social or ethical problem in reversing the order. Everything should be according to the situation and the case.

• Proposing a Shidduch for a Person Who is Not an Upright Individual

In the case where we want to or are asked to offer a shidduch to a person who in our opinion has core issues with their behavior and actions, we must deliberate according to two guiding principles: the first is “That which is hated unto you, do not do to your friend” ¹, and the second: “always judge each person favorably” ².

The first principle limits the possibility of setting a person up that we would not have set up with someone who we want the best for. Granted that in the dating process, things are not clear cut, since not every person is compatible and at times the compatibility is unique and focused – for that which disturbs the matchmaker perhaps does not bother the couple themselves. However, one should not set up someone with a person unless they truly wish for their wellbeing.

To contrast, we must judge every candidate favorably. The meaning of the Sages’ guidance is not to deviate from the truth, but to try to see and emphasize the good and positive in others, despite their limitations ³.

A middle ground for this is not to totally disqualify a person because of a deficit that they have, however one should ensure acting for the good of the other person as well, and in any case, they should speak openheartedly about the various aspects of the person, including their weaknesses.

• Shidduch for the Disabled
• The public is composed of people with differing opinions, sizes, and disabilities. People with disabilities are part of society and are not, chalilah, ‘unweddable’. At times it is quite the opposite – their shidduch is a part of “settling individuals in homes” ⁴ and emerges from the obligation of every person to be kind to all. Regarding difficult cases, the matchmaker must say ‘the reward is relative to the effort’ ⁵, and it is a great merit for matchmakers to assist those who naturally would have a more difficult time finding a partner. It is important to emphasize that at times there is a need for special accompaniment of one or both of the sides, for this type of dating.
• It is prohibited for a matchmaker to hide the disabilities of those being set up; however, it is permissible and even very much advisable to emphasize their great positive aspects ⁶.
• One is obligated to be concerned for their dignity and not call them “damaged” and the like ⁷.
• Offering a Shidduch to One Who is in a Relationship Already

For a friend or relative who knows that the candidate is already in a relationship, it is appropriate for them to avoid offering a new dating prospect until it is known that the relationship has ended. There is no issue with verifying delicately if the friend is available for offers, however one should not tell them the details when the candidate is not available.

A professional or amateur matchmaker of a more distant social sphere who does not know if the candidate is in a relationship is allowed to first ask if the candidate is free to hear their offer.

• Paying a Matchmaker

In the past, the accepted Jewish custom was to pay the matchmaker for their assistance, and this is still the custom nowadays in a number of communities. The payment is warranted due to the time and the effort that the matchmaker invests, the benefit of their actions, and in order to encourage others to set up relationships. This also involves a deep appreciation and bringing bounty to one who does good.

From the authorities it arises that there are even places and times where it was customary to pay an especially large sum to the matchmaker who was successful in their endeavors ⁸.

The details of this custom vary from society to society, however the obligation to pay is the proper and appropriate thing to do.

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