Chapter 2: During the Dates and the Relationship

כַּמַּיִם הַפָּנִים לַפָּנִים כֵּן לֵב הָאָדָם לָאָדָם”” (Mishlei 27:19)

“as in water” – this face that you shine into it reflects back at you; “so does one man’s heart to another’ – his friend, [as in] that which a person knows that his friend loves him, so too he reflects his face back to him (Rashi, ibid.)

Just as water reflects one’s face – so too the heart reflects the heart of others. The dating process enables moments where a person is expected to bring himself out with simplicity, honesty, attentiveness, and seeing the other.

This chapter deals with halachic and moral questions that arise during the dating process and the relationship, including complex issues: from sharing and concealing information, timeliness on dates, consulting others, and how to end a relationship honorably. This chapter provides halachic principles for managing these topics, with the goal of assisting partners to endure the dating process in a manner in which both of their honors are respected and that will serve the goal of building a true and honest connection.

1. Telling the Truth Versus Concealing it

In the chapter “Integrity in Shidduchim”, we detail the boundaries of the prohibitions of false representation (geneivat da’at), verbal abuse (ona’at devarim), “distancing oneself from falsehood”, and entrapment to sin (lifnei iver). In general, it can be said that one should not say things that are not true during a date. However, more than once has the issue arisen regarding whether it is permissible to tell the truth and conceal details that could be important to their partner.

One should not conceal important information from their partner. It is possible that there will be disagreement regarding what important information is, but it definitively includes: fertility issues ¹; physical and mental challenges that can impact functioning or married life; criminal past; a sexual assault that has left psychological scars.

One does not need to tell all the details immediately at the beginning of the relationship. One may engage in building the relationship and solidifying the connection over that which is good and beautiful in each person, and only when the relationship begins to deepen explain the challenges and blemishes ².

In situations where the issue is doubtful (such as fertility issues that exist in the family and it is unknown if the problem exists in the candidate as well), the question is more complex, and even here, one must delicately share their concerns, hardships, and challenges with their partner after the initial stage of dating ³.

Dating a Number of People at the Same Time. 2

One should abstain from dating two candidates at once ⁴, and this is an improper character trait, for do we not say “that which is hated unto you – do not do to your friend”?⁵

However, at times refusing a date can cause much suffering, especially for one who doesn’t get many offers, and now is confronted with two shidduchim requests ⁶. Even in this case, one should act truthfully and not date two people at the same time. In the situation where there is unintentional clashing between obligations to two candidates, if we are dealing with an extreme case where one of the candidates has few offers, one should act as much as they can following the attribute of truth.

3. Beautification Before the Date

Beautification for the date is entirely permissible, even much more beautification than one would do every day. There are even authorities who permit men to do actions for dates that are prohibited for other purposes, such as dying white hairs ⁷.

Granted, one should be careful not to overexaggerate so that they do not defraud them and lead to false pretenses. After the first or second date, it is proper not to change the external appearance in a manner that would not be acceptable for the same person, only for the dates.

One should be aware that the matter of external appearance generally causes the person much more discomfort than it does to the other person, and it is appropriate not to be too dependent on physical appearance, not our own and not others.

4. Proper Conduct During the Date

Arrangements and Behavior During the Date

The general principles in halacha of “derech eretz precedes the Torah” ⁸ and “the honor of your friend should be dear to you as your own” ⁹ are exponentially more appropriate for these meetings, which can at the beginning be challenging. This is primarily directed towards young men, who are used to a masculine environment and do not always know how to act during interactions such as these.

There are no clear guidelines for this, and “everything is in accordance with the custom of the country” ¹⁰, but preparation and awareness of event details are important. Regarding issues such as clothing that dignifies the person, locations for dates, travel arrangements, desire time to end, etc., the recommendation is to consult beforehand with someone with experience and come prepared.

Who Should Pay for the Date?

Even for this issue there is a general principle, as stated above, that “everything is in accordance with the custom of the country”. It seems like the regular practice is for the man to pay the full amount of the first date, and there are those who follow this for the first few dates as well. However, one should note that even here like all aspects of the date, there is room for consideration, using one’s judgement, and healthy logic. In a situation where, for example, the man does not work and the woman has a high salary, it is appropriate to reach a consensus that the couple will deviate from the custom where the man pays the full amount.

If one of the sides pays for the entire date it seems that the request to go out to a place more expensive than generally accepted, or even ordering an abnormally expensive dish, is akin to “a meal that does not satisfy its provider” ¹¹ or forcing someone to provide a gift not of their own free will, and one should demonstrate sensitivity to the matter.

Accompanying Them Home

One of the aspects where there is a clear guideline is the return home. The man should at the very least ensure that the woman has a safe way to get home, and “danger possesses more gravity than prohibitions” ¹².

Ending the Date

Even if one of the sides understands from the beginning of the date that from his perspective there is no reason to continue – one should not finish the date hurriedly in a manner that could hurt the other person’s feelings. Any hurtful behavior is generally classified under ona’at devarim ¹³.

5. The Prohibition of Yichud

This is not the place to delineate the halachot of isolation between a man and a woman (yichud), however one who goes on dates should make note of these prohibitions, especially when at times this is the first direct contact with the other sex. Halacha prohibits any meeting in a closed space between a man and a woman, and even for open, isolated spaces there are at times restrictions. “A wise man has his eyes in his head” not to meet from the onset in a place that could have a concern for yichud ¹⁴.

6. Sharing One’s Feelings About the Date with the Partner

When one side is happy about the date and the other is not as much, at times the question arises of how to respond to questions such as “for me this was really nice, how was it for you?”.

The foundational principle is to tell the truth, both because there is a halachic obligation to do so, which is part of the prohibition of geneivat da’at ¹⁵, and because of the fact that at the end of the day, telling the truth is the most proper thing to do in the long term. Granted one should find a method to do so without hurting their feelings for many reasons, such as: the prohibition of ona’at devarim ¹⁶, ““That which is hated unto you, do not do to your friend”, and “love your neighbor as yourself”, etc. It is permissible to even say things that mildly deviate from the truth in order to prevent harm to the other person ¹⁷.

7. Permissibility and Obligation in Including the Parents

Telling one’s parents about the date and what happened on it is a very sensitive topic, for we are dealing with a triangle – parents and both couple members, and it is possible that each one will have a different position. There is no obligation to share personal matters that we are going through with our parents, and it is not included in the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents. However, up to a certain point it is included within the natural way of the world, especially if we are dealing with someone who lives with their parents or one who regularly includes them in discussions, and as stated earlier – their advice could be exemplary. Therefore, one should act with wisdom and at their desired level. However, as stated, at times the matter can bother the person they are dating. It is best for the couple to decide beforehand what the guidelines should be.

8. How Much Can One Share With Friends and Family?

Hilchot Lashon Hara will be explained in a separate chapter ¹⁸, and one should follow them even when we are discussing with a friend or family member how the date went. At times personal and private matters arise during the date that one has no permit to share. We have seen there that the prohibition applies even when the words are true, and even if the story is not damaging. Therefore, one should ensure not to share personal matters regarding the person they met with, not during the relationship nor afterwards.

However, when ‘red flags’ emerge during the conversation around the candidate and we wish to provide the information to other candidates that could meet with them – it is permitted to do so under the conditions that are explained there ¹⁹, which permit lashon hara for a purpose. The core principles are: when the intent of the statement is for benefit and not for gossip; speaking to the point about the problematic issue; differentiating between facts and interpretations. It is always preferable to refer to the point that seemed problematic without providing information about the person themselves (for example: “it is best to ensure that they do not harm your independence”). Alongside this, one should not lock the gates of repentance before them, and if it is possible – it is best to try to find someone who will bring up the character flaws to the problematic candidate, perhaps it leads to much benefit.

9. Ending the Relationship and ‘Ghosting’

When one side is interested in ending the relationship and the other side is unaware, one should inform them in a sensitive and direct manner, with the understanding that perhaps for the other side we are dealing with an unpleasant message, and perhaps a difficult one too. It is best to inform them slowly and in stages, with the proper preparation and delicate clarification for the background to the decision. One must have tremendous sensitivity for the matter, for tears will be found at every one-sided breakup, whether for the man or the woman. Implementing this moral obligation during the dating process is crucial.

One should not leave the situation unclarified, nor the person they are dating with painful and active expectation for a message regarding the continuation or dissolution of the relationship. The trickling and gnawing doubt are worse than the truth itself.

Beyond this, there is a phenomenon of ending the relationship by the disappearance of one side, without a message or explanation, a phenomenon known as ‘ghosting’. This extreme act is a definitive prohibition, and aside from geneivat da’at ²⁰[20], it is of course included in ‘one who says hello to his friend and he does not respond’ of whom the Sages call a thief ²¹. This act involves an inflated ego and willingness to shame others.

10. Red Flags

Even during jovial and energetic relationships it is best for one to pay attention to red flags, such as: lack of trust and manipulations, unwillingness to listen, obsessivity and jealousy, disconnection from society, harassment, and exploitation, etc. Attention paid to the issue and to signs that precede it can prevent much suffering during the dates, as we will see later on ²².

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