The process of dating for marriage is one of the most central and intimate junctions in a person’s life. This is a personal, emotional, and ethical journey, along which the possibility to establish a home based on sharing, trust, and mutual responsibility will be tested. The path to the decision to get married is accompanied at times by numerous sensitive and fundamental questions: How much should I reveal – and when? How do I refuse a match without hurting others? What is my responsibility towards the person I meet, towards the parents, the matchmakers – and towards myself?
In the world of shidduchim (matchmaking) we see a combination of personal, social, religious, and familial aspects. From within this reality arises moral and halachic issues over and over again which require sensitivity, consideration, and precision in how we communicate.
What are we allowed to ask to be clarified in pursuing a match – and what could be lashon hara? When is there an obligation to reveal personal information – and when is it actually appropriate to conceal it? How does one separate with dignity? Is it proper to nullify an engagement, when and how?
This compilation was written to answer these questions from both a halachic and moral perspective. It is not a dating handbook, nor is it a psychological work or a book of general theory. Rather it is a proposal intended for practical analysis of halacha and ethical values, relying on sources from the Torah, the talmudic sages, and halachic authorities throughout the generations. Every topic has been assessed through a desire to illuminate the path of those dealing with dating – through truth, caution, mutual respect, and fulfillment of the mitzvah “love your friend as yourself”.
This work contains five main chapters, of which the first three deal directly with dating:
- Chapter One – Approaching Dating. Issues surrounding age and maturity, choosing a partner, how to clarify details of interest in finding a match, personal information, family history, and so on.
- Chapter Two – During the Dates and the Relationship. Honesty and disclosure, involving the parents, the prohibition of yichud, ending the relationship, and the manner in which to conduct dates.
- Chapter Three – For Professional and Amateur Matchmakers. The responsibility of matchmakers and people who wish to set up friends and colleagues, reliable speech, lashon hara for a purpose, sensitivity to limitations and receiving payment for matchmaking.
- Chapter Four – The Halachot of Integrity and Lashon Hara in Shidduchim. Halachic principles of geneivat da’at, ona’at devarim, distancing oneself from falsehood, and lashon hara for shidduchim – including criteria for permitting this and its restrictions.
- Chapter Five – Ending a Shidduch. A special chapter dealing with halachic, social, and emotional ramifications of ending a relationship. As an appendix to this chapter, and considering the sensitivity of the topic discussed within, we deviated from the halachic-value aspect of this compilation and added a chapter which offers practical advice and ways to deal with the situation written by Shirat Malach, advisor and guidance counselor of those seeking relationships.
Despite all of this, it is important to clarify what is not in this compilation: we do not have the audacity to believe that this will be able to respond to any situation or act as a substitute for personal guidance, individual halachic ruling, or professional consultation. There are no “golden tips” for success in relationships, and we do not endeavor to draft a united and obligatory path for everyone. This is a compilation that endeavors to propose halachic-ethical principles and guidelines, out of commitment to halachic sources and awareness of the deep complexity of the dating process.
This compilation seeks to act as a halachic-moral compass – and it includes a recommendation for a path of honesty, caution, and trust. It is relevant for any person who is in a relationship or accompanying one, and invites them to walk its course of Torah through awe of heaven, human dignity, and aspiration to build a life of holiness and responsibility.
Language Editing – Avi Weingrober
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